Tiffany Belanger is a writer, actor, and founder of Cosleepy — a one-stop shop for practical, research-backed advice on safe cosleeping. She supports parents all over the world through her how-to guides, Instagram account, and Cuddle Curl digital magazine. Her work has been referenced in several articles discussing the controversy of cosleeping, most notably in The Cut, Glamour, and The Telegraph. She is currently cosleeping in Sacramento, California
Can you share some insight on why you chose to bedshare with your babies?
I didn’t plan on cosleeping! I assumed that my newborn would be happy in the beautiful, non-toxic bassinet beside my bed. It was a complete shock when we brought him home from the hospital and he absolutely hated it. I did everything that the postpartum nurse recommended at discharge – I swaddled him, nursed him to sleep, and laid him down in the bassinet ever-so-carefully.
But he woke up shortly afterwards, every time, and screamed until someone picked him up.
My husband and I didn’t have to have a conversation about it. We just looked at one another and knew – this is not something we wanted for our baby. If he cried, we wanted to pick him up and comfort him. It didn’t matter if it was day or night.
So over the coming weeks, we tried to figure out how to safely keep him in our bed so that he could either be on our chest or right beside us in bed. When he was there, he was peaceful and it made the nights so much easier. I wouldn’t even have to get out of bed. I could feed him, change his diaper, etc. on the bed and my feet didn’t even have to touch the ground!
It just felt so natural and instinctive for my husband and me, and we knew this was the right path to take. It was one of those really unexpected, beautiful things in life that you could never have predicted. But some of the best, most peaceful, blissful moments of my whole life have occurred at 3 a.m. in the family bed.
What was it like balancing building your business while mothering two young boys?
Building my business has been difficult because I don’t want to miss any of this special time when my boys are so young. Right now, I am still the most important person to them and they want all my time, attention, kisses, and cuddles. I know that this is a precious, temporary season of life.
But back when I became a mom, there were no blogs or social media pages devoted to safe bedsharing. I didn’t feel like I had the luxury of waiting until my children were in school until I began, so I started my blog, cosleepy.com, as a new mom. I knew other parents were out there struggling and didn’t have access to safety information, and I felt the time-crunch to get everything I knew out there.
I wish I could say it’s been easy, but truthfully, it’s been a constant battle. My husband starts work at 6 a.m. so that he can finish by mid-afternoon. As soon as he walks in the door, I tag him in so he can watch the boys, and I start work. I usually only get a few hours in each day, which is frustrating because there are so many things I want and need to do! Initially, I focused most of my time building my @cosleepy Instagram community. But now that we’ve surpassed 150,000 parents, I’ve given myself permission to shift to other projects that I’ve been aching to begin. I wish I could do it all, but there’s only one of me and a limited amount of time each day.
I’m a first-born daughter, high-achiever, perfectionist, etc. so it’s been challenging for me to close my laptop in the evening with so many projects unfinished and so much potential unreached! But I know I’m making progress, even if it’s extremely slow-going. Ten years from now, I don’t think I’ll regret prioritizing my young children instead of my business.
What one piece of advice would you offer to parents deciding whether or not they’ll cosleep with their baby?
I would challenge you to make the decision to cosleep on your own. Do your very best to tune out your friends, in-laws, the pediatrician, the random lady at the post office, etc.
It’s really easy for people who are not with you in the middle of the night to dole out advice. Their hearts are usually in the right place – they see that this is a difficult period of time for you and they want to help. So maybe they tell you to leave your screaming baby in the crib so that you can get some rest.
But if you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to sleep if your baby is in so much distress. You’re not weak or a sucker or whatever else they may say. Your instinct is telling you that you need close physical proximity right now, and you’re trusting it.
No one knows your baby like you do. You are the best person to assess the safety considerations and make an informed choice about cosleeping. Don’t let anyone else interfere with the decision-making process.
What impact has bed sharing had on your family as a whole?
My little boys have grown up knowing that their parents are there for them any time they need us, day or night. We offered them unlimited connection and cuddles from day one, and now that they’re almost school age, they are confident, curious, and independent.
Bedsharing has also strengthened my relationship because it’s inspired my husband and me to constantly go with the flow and open our minds up to new ideas. We’ve changed our sleep setup many times over the years, depending on which child needed what.
For example, we’ve propped up and slept chest-to-chest in the middle of the mattress, moved our mattress from the bed frame down to the floor, put two floor mattresses together to create a giant family bed, and dismantled it and slept in two separate rooms.
Sleep location is just not something that we stress about. And that philosophy has carried over into other aspects of parenting like starting solids, potty learning, weaning, and so on.
What does the nighttime routine look like in your home?
Something my husband and I have always prioritized is spending an hour or two together before bed. When we had a young baby, I would nurse him to sleep, position him on my chest, and then watch a show with my husband on the couch. There were some nights when I was really tired or just wanted to be cozy with my baby in bed, so I’d lie down with him in the early evening and read until I felt sleepy. My husband would often lie beside me, just so we could be together.
We are both huge fans of the free Libby app, which allows you to borrow books from your local library and read them on your phone or tablet. If they don’t have the one you want, you put in a request for it. I have read hundreds of books since becoming a mom – all for free, through this app! I highly recommend that you download it and start reading, during contact naps or in the night if your PPA is keeping you awake.
I’m a big believer that what we consume during early parenthood is incredibly important. I’ve written about watching joyful, positive shows during contact naps. And I only recommend you read romances or romantic comedies for books – nothing too scary or intense during this extra-vulnerable season of life. You can get back to that true crime docuseries in a few years. There’s no rush.
Even though my boys are older now, I’m still reading something every night as I lie beside them as they drift off to sleep. They may be able to fall asleep on their own, but we haven’t tried that yet. So far, my husband and I are happy to lie with them so that they can ask us questions or open up about anything before they fall asleep. They are both especially open and curious and reflective at this time of night.
After they fall asleep, my husband and I usually meet up on the couch to watch something together before bed. Many times we’ll eat a late dinner together and enjoy a glass of wine as we watch.
We’d love to know - as a former actor, what is a favorite film of yours?
The Fall is one of my all-time favorites – it came out in 2006 and stars one of the best actors of our time, Lee Pace. It’s a simple story and an epic story in one. It’s so sweet, visually stunning, and moving. I hope you’ll watch it sometime, but maybe not right now if you’re newly postpartum! You’ll have a lot of feelings.
There are many movies that I watch every single year, for sentimental reasons. Watching Elf, Sleepless in Seattle, and While You Were Sleeping during the holidays feels like a warm, cozy hug.
I’m still paying my SAG-AFTRA dues, even though I’m not currently able to audition and act. That means that I get to watch every film that’s nominated at the end of every year! The union used to mail us DVDs, but now they give us a code to stream them for free.
Watching these incredible, inspiring films leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling, knowing I’m no longer in that world. Even though I know I’m on the right path here, with my Cosleepy work, I’m still grieving the loss of my old life. I think every mother goes through this, so I’m sure you know what I mean. If you’re feeling this way right now, I’m sending you a big hug from northern California.
